As all things do... its all finally caught up with me...

What you ask??? The last 3 years of my life to be exact... All the loss, the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, the feelings of worthlessness, feeling insignificant, feeling forgotten, left out, not making a difference what-so-ever and flat out unimportant. Mixed with anger and a lot questioning. It's all come crashing down on me like a truck full of bricks this weekend. Why this weekend???

It's taken the petty, insensitive & cruel behavior this week of 2 very selfish people to bring it all to the surface. They just added to the insurmountable load of crap I have been handed the last 3 years. What I don't get is why were they the trigger.... I think its because I counted on them both so much... I never stopped to think they would be so careless of my feelings... considering all I had been through with them both.

Mind you both situations separate, no one having anything to do with the other... just ironic it happen to be the same weekend... More than I could handle I think. I think if one situation would have worked out, I would not have been so sensitive of the other situation. Together, it feels horrible...

It didn't just creep up... it flooded over me like a tidal wave today and I am suffering immensely... for the damage others have bestowed upon me... I am suffering something awful... Amazing the things that trigger us. Little things, that wake the sleeping lion.

No matter how strong we are... no matter how much we wipe ourselves off and keep going... if we do not stop to mourn, hurt and take care of us, it will pile up and catch up with us sooner or later. I am feeling every bit of it today.... Feeling so hurt this weekend over the behavior of 2 people, I care for so deeply and their thoughtless choices they've made in my regard - was more than my heart could bare... Simple decency - that never came. My strength disappeared and I fell apart... I have cried all day. Not just little weepy tears. Deep painful tears. Tears of deep loss from deep wounds. Way, way overdue. It was clear to me this was more than just hurt from this weekend... this went deep.

I sat in my pain and realized in the 3 years of how tremendously awful people I loved have been to me. Not just you garden variety awful... I mean to the core, slight your wrists, disgustingly awful. Just took even the smallest of incident to make it all surface.

Sure I have been asking myself, why me??? What the hell??? Do I deserve this??? Maybe I do! I am magnet for the rot of the planet... Than I think, I wouldn't wish these people on my worst enemies... than in the same breathe I realize these are my worst enemies... they were life long friends that stole from me, escaping a families malicious hatred, those that make backstabbing an art, liars who wear it with pride and those that have wanted true harm for me... I have watched my life's dream be taken out from underneath me by someone I respected so much and learning to rise above was not easy... trying to find meaning in life again has been hard... still. Just so much.... Even my back going out and having surgery... My grandfather dying... and what that did to what was left of a family... that no longer exists... So much hate left behind...

Just everything and everyone I have lost. Deep loss... no break in between... constant... It's taken its toll. As some of those losses were very needed and no regret in those choices... but the others... hurt... it all hurts. Together its excruciating to bare so much at once... I analyze things quite a bit and as I have no regrets in the decisions I made... or the stances I took... doesn't change how the entire situation made me feel. Does that make sense??? The loss of it all lingers... and as more loss continues, it just takes hold.

I guess I am feeling sorry for myself today. I am entitled, we all are once in awhile, the trick is to not let it take hold and own you. I know that. I have to just kept going.... I know everything in life happens for a reason. I know it deeply. It's just hard to find right now. It's moments like this that are really gonna help me appreciate the good when it comes... It doesn't change how much it hurts right now. It does... it hurts. I am just sick of how horrible people are, how selfish, thoughtless, uncaring so many are. It seems to be everywhere I turn and everyone. All the time. I am so sick of it. It's making it hard to want to get up anymore and keep going... I am struggling with that right now . I find little meaning in life right now... Doors closing, opportunities lost... I feel I have turned my life upside down for nothing... and everything. I am just so lost right now about so much.

Please understand, there is a lot of good in my life. My son has been supportive and the friends I do have in my life that are everything... are everything. I am happy with me, I am... Just... it just doesn't change how I feel right now about everything else.

I need change... BIG freakin change. My son graduates in 2 years... I just need to keep it together til than... when he goes to college, I am moving on too... I have been feeling it for awhile now. Honestly, I have since I moved here. A lot of good has come from being here, but this is not home... its never felt like home. I feel very restless here. What will I do?? Where will I go?? I am not sure... but I know one things for sure... I am not taking much with me or keeping many of the connections I have either... I want to start over... Call it whatever you want... I need a clean break from everything... a lot can change in 2 years...

I want to be happy and thriving, I want and need love in my life, I want positive loving people in my life... I deserve it for me.... I need to shed all that drags me down. Poison.... toxic people.... venom.... all needs to stop!!! Only one that's gonna make it stop is me. This dreadful cycle stops now...

So hows this blog for ya??? random? emotional? vague and too much info all at once?? GOOD... my work here is done!!! welcome to my world...

If anything here makes sense.... please share, cause even I don't know what the hell I mean... or do I???

I need coffee and a muffin...