Life doesn't stop while we fall apart... but at times there is a moment in that space where things stand still... and we can reflect. I have stood on that mountain this last week... once again the sky is blue and things are clear... Life emanates through me and its so vibrant, with such hope.
First thing that needs to be said is Thank YOU!!!! Thank you to the beautiful, wonderful, selfless, tremendous friends... no, wait... there people are so much more then friends... they are the truest of family in my heart. My Bri, Val, Amy, Shannon, Joy, David and so many others that have just poured themselves into my life this week... so completely... your support & love has been overwhelming. To say I am blessed, is a tragic understatement.
People go their whole lives wanting what we all share... As greeting cardish sounding as it may be... you have given me the wings I needed to soar again, the ability to hold my head high and be utterly proud... you've helped me see myself for who I am really am, when I could not even do that for myself... You lifted the heaviness from my soul and gave me back me. I could not have done it without you... You make me a better person by just being who you are... Who knows where I would be emotionally right now if not for you all. I am serious... If it takes me the rest of my life, it will never be enough to show you all how grateful I am for everything you are too me, my son and how rich you make our life. You are absolutely the best of this planet... I love you with everything I am!! I am forever yours!!!
It takes courage to accept who you are and just be that person. I finally understand that. Thanks to a few friends. This week I see that I need to stop beating myself up, picking myself apart, analyzing every aspect, replaying every moment, recanting every word, finding fault in myself where there is no fault to be had and than with every new day doing it all over again... just all of it. Its ridiculous. It is what it is.... It just is!!
Nothing or no one in life is ever perfect... it's just undeniably selfish to expect it to be... I say that as much for myself, as I say it in regards to all I have been through and all I have lost the last few years. I get it... I get it loud and clear... I have always been able to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going. I may fall into a dark place for awhile, but I am very good at finding the goodness even in the worst of situations and take what comes next with grace.
I might at times have high expectations, but under no circumstance are they unreasonable or unrealistic... That is the huge difference in my opinion. Perhaps that of others are just too low? My standards don't have to match anyone elses! I don't have to settle. Infact, I rather like my filtering. It helps me get rid of the undesirables that find there way into my life. I won't be anyone's emotional punching bag or doormat. I refuse to just lie down and take it for the sake of avoiding a conflict. I will always push those boundries. The greatest of people never settled even when everyone else was against them ... and I won't either. I accept the outcome that bring's about too... It will always ruffle feathers and upset the cookie barrel. I'd rather take the chance, be loud, stand tall than fly under the rader. It's a tall order... I know. It's why I find myself where I do so often with people... I accept and own that completely and all that comes with it. I am very aware of it all. I am still ok!!! *big cheesy grin*
Most of all what I expect is very simple... you want respect - then be respectful, you want love - than be loving, you want consideration - then be considerate, you want fairness - than be fair... you want to battle - than expect a fight... you point out others mistakes - be ready to admit to your own .... get it yet???
It's simple... its kindergarten stuff.... you get exactly what you put in... In Spades!! It may not come about right there and then... but good produces good... bad produces bad... and it will always come back around in due course. I believe that with all my heart... I have too. Life and time has a way of taking care of things on its own without any help from us.
I have the right to say no... I have the right to stand up for myself under any circumstance... I have a right to close doors on those in my life that have proven to be unkind and harmful to my well being... I have a right to walk way... I have a right to be happy and do what deems necessary to see that has every chance of possibility, even if others disagree. I have a right to just be myself and that should be ok as long as I cause harm to none. I have the right to love and be loved and deserve the best life has to offer.
No one can take that from me.... EVER!!!
Life does not stop for anyone... for anything... at anytime... It's easy to get lost in our losses and our pain... I did that.... I spent a week there. It's funny though, while swimming in my losses, I found all that I have gained too... It was vast and beautiful. It was always there... We really are blind sometimes to the beauty of this world... even the best of us get lost. It's ok... Just don't live there long.
It became abundantly clear to me in that moment on that mountain, figuratively speaking of course, how stupid and wasteful of a week I just spent, feeling lost over my losses...
Cause you can't very well mourn over what's lost when you never had it to begin with. Can you??
It's really that simple... and the band played on...
MY PHOTOGRAPHY
Sunday, March 22, 2009
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*blows you a kiss*
ReplyDeleteBeautiful comments from friends taken from our online community:
ReplyDelete"I love you and I am truly happy that you are doing better now. I worried about you, and hoped that you could feel the love from all of us as far away as we were...... knowing that sometimes thats just not enough. A hug, a true physical hug is what a soul needs at times, just someone to wrap their arms around you and just hold on, is what a person needs. I really wish I could of done that. I wanted to, for you.... my unbiological sister. My heart. My connection. It was good to read that post... it did me alot of good to see it and to know that you are emotionally healing. We can always look at the rigid, deep scars.... and touch them, and rub them, reflecting on what caused them and always remember. It may cause a flash of pain at times, but thats ok. The pain teaches us. It allows us to remember where we once were and how to avoid that sorrow. I am grateful for all of my experiences for they have been helpful to me, in one way or another."
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"I think what you wrote was so touching, beautiful, strong, courageous. I did not see the words of someone who had been broken, torn apart, hurt. I saw the words of.....A SURVIVOR! I saw the words of someone who has taken the worst kind of punches from cruel people who "hit below the belt" so to speak. And yet you still stand tall, stand proud, and brave. You have taken their worst and maintained your pride, your courage. You have not been knocked down, you have just been shown "true colors". What you wrote about all of us here, was so touching, special and heartfelt.
What have I told you a MILLION TIMES, and YOU have proved me RIGHT each and every time. YOU, my lady, are (pardon my language but damnitt, sometimes its called for, like now) ONE BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKING PHOENIX!!!! YOU are the bad ass Phoenix baby!! You have proved that time and time again. You continue to rise from the ashes over and over again!
You ARE, THE PHOENIX!
So stand tall, hold your head held high. You are strong, beautiful, a fighter......... A SURVIVOR!
We LOVE you!"
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"but I just had to tell you that I think you are one amazingly strong woman, and I'm so proud of you for your inner reflection - it's a wonderful thing. I specifically loved:
"Most of all what I expect is very simple... you want respect - then be respectful, you want love - than be loving, you want consideration - then be considerate, you want fairness - than be fair... you want to battle - than expect a fight... you point out others mistakes - be ready to admit to your own .... get it yet??? "
It really is that simple, isn't it!!!
Kudos, you are the bomb!!!"
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"Let me tell you.. the words that I see spoken here on this board, they are just so real. The majority of you have all met or talk on the phone in “real time”, which only makes it all the more real. But from a woman all the way across the world in little Australia, the words of support and love that appear on this board are just overwhelming to me. In hard times, even just the general chatter that goes on here can pick you up pretty quickly. But in a real time of need, even a quick explanation of the problem will bring a flurry of love and support – and this is what I love so much about you guys. I think so long as we have this place, none of us will ever be alone."