Defining moments in our lives...

*door opens into blogosphere* *gentle voice* Helloooooooo???

Well here I am… finally… taking a stab at building my website again… I start with my blog, journal, writing tool… its deems necessary to have an avenue to write these days… something I used to do often and for some reason allowed life to get in my way… so I just stopped… funny how we all do that… well no more of that… letting that of which I love should not be allowed to fall into the darkness. So I rediscover…

Recently I have come to the realization of what really matters. It’s not to say I have not been here before, but each time I come to this place… it’s new. Everything, sights, sound, feel and touch… it’s new. It comes down to one value… one thought… one truth… the little things matter. Nothing is trivial…

I find myself standing before crossroads again in my life and unlike the other times I found myself here, this time seems different… very different. I stand with certainty, absolute confidence and peace of mind that I have chosen the right path… it’s almost frightening how relieved I am and at the peace within I have found… healthy I am… it’s scarier than I can say… this is new… but in a good way…

It’s no secret that as we take our journeys through this life we know, we often find it necessary to make difficult decisions. Letting people go that are a detriment to our lives… even though you love them with more love than can be gathered… it’s just not enough… so let it be known here and now, love really just isn’t enough sometimes… so I begin my tale…

Everyone we meet or know is in our lives for a reason. I believe that… However I also believe nothing is forever. Life is full of comings and goings… we simply have to accept that. Take every moment for the value it is...

It’s time for me to add another chapter to my life of the latter… I close the door to my mother…

I can hear the gasps already… yep, you heard me right. I have decided it’s time to just let her go.

This is not the first time I have stood at this door… While other times I shut it temporarily… knowing when it closed it would not be forever. This time it feels different… it feels definite… it’s quite startling to feel nothing…

Lets see if I can explain… there seems to be this lack of taking responsibility that runs rapid in my family. Not unusual right??? You have either seen or have one of these yourselves… mine seems to take it to extremes. It’s almost violent in form the lack of conscience and feelings they often display… leaving them numb to humanity and decency... its often shocking… I have gotten used to it... if you can get use to such a thing... Somehow the great creators thought it would be comical to give it all to me… poured all these emotions 3 fold into me... cause all the gods above and below knows I am too much of all these things... almost to a fault with no way to turn any of it off. So imagine if you will.... for me, feeling… nothing... that’s HUGE!! It doesn’t happen… I have even tried to talk myself into being mad or angry and I can't... I feel nothing.

While all the above seems contradictory in perspective... its the truth as I sit here. There have been 2 other times in my life I got to this point with the most important people in my life… and the forever end was near… there always is a defining moment… I felt I needed to shed, share, explore this… in the open and hopefully help or aid others like myself or whom are willing to explore with me...

See I have not shed one tear since the decision was made… Not one… people I cry at commercials… I feel absolutely nothing... that speaks volumes to me and what she did went somewhere new and deep...

Yes as in all stories there was a defining moment… the premise of what lead to it is not important… it’s actually rather stupid in retrospect… really adolescent. It’s the manner of which she acted in my regard and behaved, that I found shocking… really disturbing... it opened my eyes up so wide and literally in one moment shut everything I ever felt for her inside… off!!! Its sounds incredibly simple, but its anything but… how do I sum up what took me a minute to decide from a petty arguement, all that’s behind why it occurred… cause there is a lifetime of sorrow, trying moments, accomplishments as well as failures behind it... seeing someone for their truest of colors with an explosion of clarity…

Is that even possible to just shut off??? YES!!! I have found it is so true, it hurts. You can absolutely get to a point where you cannot take one more dig, cruel word, hurtful behavior, push things aside, ignore the obvious, turn a blind eye, look the other way, be the bigger person and forgive for the sake of forgiving… you can absolutely hit a wall and say…ENOUGH!!!!! The cycle stops NOW!!!!

Yes even with your own parents… it is not written anywhere that you have to like them or they MUST be in your life.

Believe me… this is not about accepting her the way she is… I do… if I didn't she would not have been an active part of my life this long... I know her strengths and weaknesses all too well. Probably better than she knows them herself. They are what make her unique and special. There is a tremendous amount of good to her… it just doesn’t rise to the surface as often as the bad stuff does… I find that terribly sad.

While yes she is my mom... does not give her a get out of jail free card without consequence for her actions... this is where I differ from most... I don't care WHO you are... if you are a constant source of venom and poison in my life, you will not last. Especially if behind my back you want ill for me. Why would I want that in my life, regardless of the title you hold? That’s just asking for more abuse for the sake of appearances...let’s just say her mask fell off one last time in a moment I believed in her the most... it was utterly disturbing... and heartbreaking… it was the defining moment of bone crushing truth…

Please do not misunderstand me… those that know me know I am a very forgiving person… almost to a fault. I believe treating others the way you would want to be treated... I believe we all deserve allowances and plenty of chances… we all fall short and fail to meet expectations… even myself… oh dear do I ever fail… I own that completely... and admit I make big mistakes sometimes.... but when do you stop the cycle of reproducing the same results over and over and over… it’s like being in an abusive relationship… you stay hoping it will stop and the dream you hold onto with broken fingers and swollen flesh comes true… but in the end you realize, this is not a fairytale, this is real life and you have choices to make… if you do not take care of you, who will… you set the tone for your worth, not anyone else.

Am I saying there has never been good to our relationship??? Of course not. I would be lying… but here is the rub… How can I feel they hold value any longer when the premise of them has been entirely hollow and the truth was swimming behind my back the whole time... and that very truth has now revealed itself in all its glory with a resounding explosion... what I valued so much, I find that has not now or ever been returned, but in hollow gesture... when it mattered the most, love did not win... hate did... hurt did... how do you find the right place to put that???

All my life I have had a turbulent relationship with her… It’s up and its down… as much as she claims how much us kids (brother, sister and myself) have hurt her… to me there is no comparison to that hurt that is delivered from a parent to their child. It just goes deeper and leaves scars that are often not repairable… Believe me I own stock in that pain.. I simply do not surrender myself to it... I have chosen to move past it... well until now. Here is whats so ironic... she of all people should know this… she is walking living proof of the pain her parents inflicted on her. She is the poster child for it. You would think knowing that, would aide her in taking a different approach and not repeat the cycle. She did not… As she made some minor changes, the end result always the same... she delivers the same kind of hate & hurt that was delivered onto her… its heartbreaking…

I think knowing that has always caused me to pause and take a step back and make excuses for her behavior. I am now out of excuses and simply have no more room for cracks on the walls of my heart… I need to heal. The bandaids I have been using finally stopped being enough.

Let’s take a step back… I moved here 3 years ago to be close to her. Thought if I did that, maybe we could be closer and it would stop all the fighting we seemed to do from a distance. We could bond and she could be the grandmother to my son she always claimed she would be if we lived closer… with my head high and future that seemed so bright and wonderful, I moved… leaving many behind. The second time in my life I have done that… Right before it was time to move the fighting started again… I grew very worried if I was making the biggest mistake of my life. But there was no turning back… I was committed and we came… upon arrival it only got worse. There was no warm welcome, my heart sank… We unfortunately had to stay with her for about 3 months before I was able to get a job and get my own place. During that time… she drank heavily and with award winning performances she delivered her doses of cruelty like clockwork on a daily basis to both me and my son. It was difficult to put any of that in its right place after we moved… I was in such pain I could hardly stand it. I stood empty and unsure of what I had just done to our lives… it took awhile for me to get my footing again. But I did…

As always I mended ways with my mother, and of course things just pick up where they left off with no conversation to what happened and why. She stood her ground she was right in her behavior and I was not going to argue. I wanted no more arguing… I turned a blind eye and shoved it down. Like I do so many times... Things were ok for awhile… and then came another argument… as always she provoked it. Time passes we mend again.

See the cycle yet??? Now something miraculous happened in the last 6 months… out of nowhere she became the mom I have longed for since I moved here… time with her was joyous, fun and alive. It even seemed to bring the family closer… Holidays were a complete treasure and conversation full of life… even my son started to gain enormous feelings for her again… It was like she had a humanity transplant… every act from her was beautiful and thoughtful. Full of love… it was amazing… I could not even grasp onto it, I just let it run amuck and was so filled with utter completeness… life seemed as it always should have been. It was beautiful…

Than in a moment of truth… when it needed to count the most… something as simple as respect and decency should have been the first instinct… when love, humanity and heart should have risen first – it didn’t. Not even close… Winning at all costs was… it won with a clapping thunder… even over the love for your child. In a brief moment to do the right thing, she chose hate and hurt… no respect, no love, no heart at all… just winning by whatever means necessary.

There was a brief moment when she realized or so I thought and she apologized… believe me when I saw the words - it came none too soon and I was just elated she saw what mattered most, without even a word from me… and without even being able to absorb it, she took it all back…

I discovered all the things that were being said behind my back and the ‘legal’ actions going to be taken against me over a ‘thing’. It was so stupid anything ever went this far… but she caused it, fed it and kept it alive... No remorse… I stood numb… NUMB!!! This was her first instinct with me??? It became clear… how can you love me when you don’t even like me… One moment… one brief moment of utter truth, took everything that was good the last few months away. I saw the astounding truth of her feelings for me… in a moment of crisis if you will, she chose to hate and hurt, over love… I saw that so clear… when it mattered the most… when it should have been there above all else. It was not. To make sure I suffered was priority… spoke volumes…

Needless to say… I do not want that in my life… anymore. It was never the ‘thing” that was the issue ever… It was the behavior behind the event and how it was handled in my regard. They say, “Who you are when no one is looking, is who you really are”… I believe the same about how you talk about someone in their absence is how you really feel. I saw the words I was never suppose to see… it crushed everything I felt for her in a single moment. It said everything I always knew… this time it was right there in plain open view with spotlights on it. I realized right there… I heard the door close…

As there is no doubt I will feel a sense of loss in my life, it is more important that I will no longer have someone in my life that refuses to see me as a person – I am a tool, a weapon to wield, someone she is suppose to love. I would say unconditional… let’s face it, love is always conditional… I want people in my life because they care about me. Truly care about me and my well being, my soul and spirit… and that of my son.

Even as I write this… nothing... not a tear… Just utter clarity… total peace. Relief.

As the tale is a sad one, it’s also a good one… because when one door closes another opens… so I welcome the next chapter of my life. I greet it with open arms… who's to say what will be in the future... no matter how we try it never ends up quite how we imagine it, does it... for now this is my defining moment... without doubt more to come...

Thanks for reading... and I look forward to your tales of defining moments...